First Crush?

I went to church tonight with my niece who is 7 and nephew who is 9. The priest was late and they were teasing each other while waiting. Suddenly my niece blurted a name and said he was my nephew’s crush but instead of denying and getting mad he actually smiled and nodded and said that he was her crush too… (Hmmm mutual feeling???) then he added that my niece also has a crush and she did not deny either and instead had this impish smile as she mentioned the name of her crush…

Geez having crush at that age!

They also added that “Di ba may crush ka din nuong bata ka?" (Didn’t you also have a crush when you were young?)

I had to look back quickly and remembered some things…

First, that we were asked to write about our crush when I was in first year high school (we were asked to write about a lot of things back then) and I remembered I had to “make up” somebody because I could not think at that time who my crush was!

Second, I went as far back as I can remember and remembered how I hit a boy when I was about 5 years old during the wedding of my godmother. No, not in the church but still in their home while they were preparing to go to church. Some old ladies there were teasing me to this boy and I was irked that I went near him and hit him! He cried of course and complained to my godmother but I answered that I only hit him because they were pairing me with him... and I think my godmother only laughed at me then (no scolding!)

Then… there was a time when I was in Grade 3 and a new neighbor transferred to one of the homes in our compound. I have always been a curious child and so I was there trying to welcome them. The lady had 3 children and I met two of them before when they were still surveying the place but only one was with her there that time… a boy about my age and we played outside while they were moving stuff inside the home. Suddenly he kissed me and I bit him in the arm… again of course he cried as he ran to his mother. She asked why I bit him and I answered that it was because he kissed me. And she laughed and said that he is like that with girls he liked. He also kissed their “Indian” neighbors before. Well I did not like being kissed so I was not consoled by her comment. However, I could not recall not leaving their place after that… it seems like we still continued to play but I was always in the lookout for another bite… truth was over the years he would have his “kissing episode” and he got a lot of hits from me. I was one tough kid then ready for a fight if provoked! I think something is wrong with his brain… he just had kissing episodes and you don’t really know when it was coming… unfortunately I seem to be the only target then… Ewww! Got that my other older niece...hehehe (double Ewww, maybe even a triple???) He eventually outgrew the episode but there are a lot of stories in between… I stand by my story though that I think he is NUTS… since one time I saw him with big scars on his legs – one long straight one and lots of small punctures on both sides. When we asked him what it was and he said that he made it so it would look like he had a big wound and the small punctures on both sides would look like stitches – so that he can fool his teacher since he was absent a long time. Geez...Gross!

Then, the priest came so I stopped my thought…
Well until now…

I was looking back in my elementary days when I was in the public school where I had boy classmates… I did not like them looking at me but I would always sing a song with my seatmate in grade 3, who was a boy (it was always like that they pair a boy with a girl since the chairs were for 2 persons). That time, my father taught me the song “And I love you so” and I prepared two copies of the song – one for him and for me. We would sing our own stanza and there were parts we would sing together. We always did that song when there is no teacher in the classroom and our classmates would clap after we sang it. Now I don’t think he had a crush on me (nor I on him) but I think he sang with me because he feared that I would get mad if he did not sing with me…hehehe… or maybe just like me…he enjoyed singing!

I am still thinking who my first crush was…

Instead I remember several neighbors’ mothers who would tell me that they want their son to marry me when I am older… and even older neighbors who said they will marry me when I am older. Hehehe… there were a lot of them then, I wonder what happened to all of them!

Anyway, I am still thinking and it is finally giving me a headache…
So I decided to stop…
I wonder if my niece and nephew will ever remember their crushes a few years from now.
I remember their smiles in the church and I can’t help but smile myself!

Bumming then walking in the rain

I got the day off and just bummed around the home for most of the day… enjoying the peace and quiet while my nieces and nephews were at school… singing and even recording a song in my computer… reading some stuff online… ahh also working on a project for my nephew for a short while. I stayed mostly in our dining area since it was cool there and I did not even feel like going for a midday mass feeling good and peaceful in that corner…

However, in the late afternoon I felt the need to go out. It was cloudy and I knew for sure it was going to rain but I figured that rain would have stopped when it was time to go home so I did not bring any umbrella…I just got some change for my fare and headed for church. I was just in time for the service and I still did not feel like going home after it so I went to the adoration chapel… that’s when I heard the rain. It was heavy rain but i wasn't bothered and I just stayed there in silence… there was another mass an hour after the mass I attended and I could hear them inside the chapel… when it was over, I decided to leave but I could see that it was still raining… I went inside the church again till I was the only one inside… I could see the guard closing the grill doors so I finally went out. There were some people in front of the church waiting for the rain to stop too. I stood there for quite a while until I decided to just sit in one of the pillars near the church door with my back touching the wall and my legs outstretched. The floor was warm so I felt comfy there. Eventually some people followed suit too and sat there. I was just looking at the highway with no particular thought in mind just letting the vehicles pass by hearing the splash of their tires go with the raindrops… the dark sky would occasionally flash with long and wide lightnings followed by rumble of the thunderstorm. I could feel my eyes closing but had to open them since I feared I might end up falling asleep!

I stayed there for a long long time but was quite content. I was waiting for the rain to really stop but it seems it will never stop. At some point it even got heavier. When it felt like I could walk through it without soaking, I finally decided to walk towards my ride home. I had to walk a good distance after my ride but I wasn’t in a hurry. I slowly walked under the rain towards home. There were not many people in the street anymore and I could walk silently. It felt good walking in the rain listening to the rhythm of the Hail Mary which I was silently reciting continuously. I walked slowly letting the small drops wash out any negative emotion I may have, letting peace seep through my body. Yup I was at peace walking in that rain. It felt good to...achuu!!!

Holding thoughts on the Hold up

My niece brought her daughter to school on the Monday after I was held up. They rode an FX. And when they got in, my grandniece, who is 4 years old immediately asked her mother “Mommy ma-ho-hold up din ba tayo?” (Mommy are we going to be held up too?). The passengers in the vehicle looked at them and my embarrassed niece told her “No”. And my grandniece continued “Eh bakit si Lola Beth?” (Eh, how come Lola Beth? ) to which my niece said “Kasi nakasakay nya ay bad people” (because she rode with bad people). And as usual there were more questions from my grandniece after that which my niece had to answer.

Such brought me thinking back about the hold up. Actually it still pops up in my thoughts from time to time. I want to shake it out completely but it would come.

Sometimes I would think why I wasn’t keen and did not notice… there were signs and there were feelings that surfaced early but I did not pay any attention. I was usually keen and would actually get off a vehicle if I don’t feel comfortable with the other passengers. Anyway, sometimes such things happen… you wish it did not happen but it did!

I have been witness to some snatching incidents and even blog on one. The thieves they that do those would walk away calmly from the crime and the passengers would be shocked or dumbfounded and would just hang on to their seat… there would be those who would run after the thief like my sister did twice but would never really recover the whole thing… there are those who would catch the thief while on the act and would tell them and the other would deny and walk away sometimes even get mad… I have also seen a thief caught and the people would get back at him and he’d be black and blue from all the punches…

These things happen so very often. I have talked with somebody who told me that the hold uppers are the worst criminals you can find because most of them are “In and Out” of jails. If they are caught, the worst they’ll be charged will be illegal possession of deadly weapon and they’ll be out before you know it. Most victims would not really put a case because it will take the case to drag forever and nothing really ever happens. So these people, they get in the city jail, stay there for a while… bond with the others inside then get off again and they are back to their trade. I was also told that they really have no qualms about killing if they are pushed… often times they will just scare you but if you fight back then be prepared to die!

If I was able to corner my hold uppers, would I file a case against them? Chances are NO! It is not just for the inconvenience but because I don’t believe that something will really come of the case and worst, these people have friends outside (some even have people that handle them and would pay for their “pyansa” (bond) as the “barker” I talked with in the place I got my ride told me) and they could come after me. I remember my sister filing charges on the person that snatched her necklace and the wife and mother of the culprit came to our home begging – it was quite easy for them to get our address and come to our place!

The worst happening in a hold up or any crime for that matter if you ever come off alive is that you start feeling unsafe… You have to shake off the feeling for it is not healthy but it somehow gets to you, feeling that someone has violated your right and you become angry… but anger eventually dies down in time and you get back to your rhythm.. you just add a dash (actually lots of it) of awareness and precautions… and of course lots of prayer.

Now, enough said on the issue, I hope that I won’t be holding on to the hold up thoughts anymore, after all there are still so much that needs my attention.

Lost

After I came from church tonight I crossed the bridge (overpass going to the other side) I was going down when I noted a young boy crying while going down with other people. I thought he was scolded upon so was crying but when we finally reached the sidewalk, he was running, hysterically looking for his parents. The other women I went down with stopped to watch him. I went to him and asked what happened. He was not really that young, he was probably around 9 already. He said that he was with his parents when they disappeared. I told him I will bring him back to church and he said they already came from there. I approached the guard manning the bridge (there are guards stationed there since there is a call center beside the church) and was going to ask for assistance when another man came towards us. He was definitely not his father but he asked the child if knew where he lived and if they have a celfone that can be contacted. I noted that the other women that stayed earlier already left so I hanged on, after all I really did not know this person. The child mentioned the place where they live (not the exact address) and said that the celfone is with his father and he doesn’t know the number. I did not feel safe leaving the child there and reiterated to the man and the guard that I will just return him to church and he could stay in the office. We were there for some time (maybe trying to figure out each other?) when the child suddenly shouted and went running to another man. He was the father and the child went to him crying and scolding him. That's when I knew for certain that he was the father and the man motioned to us thanking us. The other man that came also moved away and I noted that he was with his family and they were waiting for him near the car. SO everything went well after all.

On my ride back home, I was thinking about the incident. At that age, even younger, I was walking everywhere on my own and some peers about my age. I just have to be home by 5:00 pm (the time my parents would be home) otherwise I get a scolding (which I often had..hehehe). I knew how to get home and to get to a lot of place which are quite far from our home and I would be walking… there weren’t much ride back then and you get to different places mostly walking. People really did not have to worry about me. People then feel a lot safer about their environment. There are still areas in the country especially in rural areas where children walk a lot… in fact most have to walk a far distance to get to their schools and parents really don’t have to worry. It is no so anymore in the urban areas. Sometimes I look at my nieces and nephews who don’t go out that much on their own. Oftentimes they just stay and play in our home grounds and outside our gate. People here are not that comfortable leaving them on their own and they are actually missing a lot. Being independent and acting swiftly on their own and feeling safe and comfortable even on their own.

I look back at my childhood and feel how so lucky I was. There weren’t much technology then… no techno-gadgets to play with.. there were actually not much toys but you get to make your own toys.. used all the scraps and leaves and stones plus your imagination to make your own toys and your own games…there were lots of grounds you could explore and be on your own. Parents could leave you on your own and now that you’ll get enough interaction and exercises. Children were not too dependent on things and people then. I wonder if such will ever come back.

Am not invincible :(

I have been so busy that I have not made a post for quite a while. It was my choice of course since as much as I love to write, I have other priorities…

Somehow most things boil down to my choice but sometimes some things happen that are not my choice…

Last Friday I worked overtime as usual and left the office at 8:00 pm. I get my main ride in the University belt where there are lots of people taking their rides... waiting for an FX that goes in ones direction to come. My way have a lot of people waiting and oftentimes you run up to your ride when it comes to be able to take one of the seat in a 10-seater FX . So I was there and there were a lot of people waiting. The FX that comes stops in different areas so that people nearest would be able to get a place, there were a lot of FX that came in my direction but I was not able to get into so that when I saw one that did not stop where a lot of people are but moved further, I run as fast as I could! I reached the 4-seater back seat and one man was ahead of me already so I got in and seated myself thankful that I was able to get in. Then two men also rode at the back. There was still vacant seats in the middle and I would have wanted to transfer since it was more comfortable but there were already two blocking my way and it would be difficult to get off plus other passengers eventually came to the middle seats after all.

I was busy on my thoughts thinking about a lot of things including work in the office. The first passenger ahead of me already said his destination and paid his fare, later on the other guy beside him mentioned where he was getting off and also paid. I did not understand where he was getting off but I let it slip, I was too busy thinking. Then after some time, that man in front of me told the driver to stop. The FX was still in the middle of the road and have not gone to the side when he opened the door and put out a knife and told me to give my bag. I wouldn’t, then the man beside me also put a knife on my side. I was hesitant to give my bag I had so much in it and I never thought that these men mean business. The other passengers looked but could not do anything even the man in front of me could not do anything. The man in front near the door pushed his knife towards me and the other man also pushed his. I let go of my bag! They crossed to the other side of the road. I locked the door and told the driver to drive in reverse but he did not move. We stayed there for a while, while the other passenger asked how I was. I said I was fine, no blood. One said sometimes there’s no blood that would come out immediately if it is ice pick. The guy in front said the man beside me held a knife also and not an ice pick. I saw it and yes it was a small knife like the guy across me. One told the driver to head to the police precinct, there should be one near… there was not one near so we had to turn back. We went to a small precinct to report it. The police there were not really moving fast… just asking things slowly but they told me to go to a bigger station to look at the pictures if I could ID him plus the guy in front of me said he could ID the guy in front of him that was beside me. I would not ride in the police mobile and the other passengers were willing to come so we all came. Nothing much happened in the precinct.

It was bad experience but one thing the passengers did care, some even wanted me to use their celfone so I could tell somebody (I declined however since I would not want to worry people at home). Another thing is the driver did not ask for my fare (I would not be able to give him any even if I wanted to). And the most important thing of course is I am alive. I never thought the knife poked on my side would reach me but there was a very tiny mark on my shirt and the same on my right side rib. I never realized that those knives are very sharp! There is also a small wound in my right arm and marks and bruises. It never really occurred to me earlier that those men would really kill but I eventually realized that they would not hesitate to kill. Funny, the men really did push the knives even the other passengers saw it that made them really worry about me but despite that, I had very little wound. Somehow I still feel blessed!

The past two days have been filled with activities in my community and family. I have already informed the banks, credit card companies and even my celfone company (since my account is post-paid/plan) but I will still have to work out getting new ones on Monday (I have decided to have a prepaid card for my celfone though and cut-off permanently some of my credit cards). I try not to think about what happened but sometimes it flash back to me and I get insights like when I wondered why I noted that there were not many people trying to get in when I got in – I figured that there must have been more than the two guys and they crowded the area when I got in so that others could not come anymore. The guy that sat on the middle said that he tried to get in at the back but that one of them pushed him. I also wondered why they would single me out. I was not in a neat attire, my shirt and pants were faded and I was wearing old rubber shoes. I think they might have seen me before already (I’m easy to single out) and have seen me withdrawing often in the ATM there (I go there since there is no line unlike in the ATM near my office). Insights still come but I don’t want to think about them. I am still figuring out though whether I still want to stay late in the office (work never runs out anyway even if I stay late) and whether I still want to walk (I love walking at night to get to my main ride… arghhhh).

I’ve always felt safe because I am tall and don’t really dress up that I figured that nobody would come after me to cause me harm… but now I realized that I am not invincible after all… I run the risk like other people. It makes me sad since it means that I would not be able to do some things that I do or have to do things that I don’t like to do…. arghhh!

Anyway things happen.. including bad things… one thing though, I feel glad that I am okay… and that’s the most important thing!