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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A bURNing Thought

When I went back to the office yesterday after lunch break, my boss called me and told me we had a visitor then pointed to my table saying look at his gift to you!

Our visitor was a former auditor who resigned from our company 3 years ago to work in their province, the marble capital of the country, but would be leaving soon to work in Bermuda. I said my “Hi” while approaching him but took a quick look at my table. There was a marble urn! I stepped back and uttered a surprised “yikes” as death immediately flashed through my mind. I believe our visitor heard me and I thanked him and said “it is beautiful” and indeed it was. But the thought of death still lingered in my mind.

I know urns have different purpose not just to put ashes of the departed but seeing the gift just made me nervous thinking “what if it was an omen of something?” My boss and I were talking on the way home and she said that he probably had no idea about it. I told her, of course I knew that (besides as I mentioned earlier urns have other purpose) just that I can’t shake my feeling.

Losing someone you love is a very uneasy feeling. Yet it is inevitable and would happen to everybody. Last night, it was still on my mind and I uttered a prayer for all members of my family. Then I asked myself also “Am I ready to die?”

I once read somewhere that we were born live…each cell of our body fight for survival (I could not put the exact thoughts, it was so long ago) and that’s precisely the purpose of pro-creation, to pass on part of ourselves to our descendants so we continue to exist and compete and participate in the survival of the fittest! I never had a chance at pro-creation and don’t think that I will ever be part of it. So how could I fight for survival? There will be NO future link to me! I will cease to exist!

But will I? I may not pass any DNA to an offspring but I sure hope to pass a part of me to others through my thoughts, words and deeds. I hope that these thoughts, words and actions shared with other people somehow bear good fruits to them that they will be encouraged to share them with the next generation. Then I would have fought for my place in the earth…

BUt have I achieved that? Am I ready to leave the earth and move on to another dimension? To another life?

I have no control on that… I’d like my end time here though to be at peace…

In the meantime, I have to shake this bURNing thought and just move on… living the best that I could...


Anonymous bingskee said...

hi, beth. it's best you shake off the thought. sabi nga, it's all in the mind.

it's difficult though to think of our own death. makes me uneasy, too.

11:35 PM  

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